Closed Circle Conversationalists

Have you ever been at a social gathering talking with friends and maybe standing or sitting around a table? One of my pet peeves is the exclusive circle that seems to just naturally happen. You'll just be talking about something unimportant like a sports story or asking for advice about where to get new tires and as you are talking to 2-4 other people, this circle starts to form. It makes sense, you are talking about the same topic, so why not be able to see the other faces?

But what happens every time? You form this exclusive circle and then a 5th or 6th person walks up to join the conversation and there's no place for them. You don't notice them because you are so heavily ingrained in today's life-changing topic: The Pants I Got on Sale at Kohl's.

I've been that late comer too. I've been in the awkward position of wanting to join the conversation or even just wanting to listen but being unable to penetrate the actual circle. It's like trying to smash an atom with a cotton ball, but on a social level.

So either you open up the circle and lose track of the conversation because the new guy or gal needs to be caught up. What pants? Who's pants? How much were they? Are those button fly? It's like the Big Lebowski: you are Walter and this intruder is Donny. Or you can link arms and banish the new guy for the sin of poor timing. You cast him out like the social leper he is.

So, I've been reading through Job lately. It's a doozy. It's not a book you just read on a Saturday afternoon. I find myself reading the same passage 2 or 3 times in a row and then coming back to read that same passage again a few days later. It's like Shakespeare on steroids. Just dense with information and tangents that I won't discuss here.

But one of the things that has seeped into my thick skull from reading Job is this -- and it's not by any means a new topic -- how often do we fail to bring God into the circle of conversation?

In Job, Job (the main character of course) is hurting bad. His children get crushed to death by a collapsing house and all of his livestock (a.k.a. $$$) and servants (a.k.a. status symbol) get wiped out by thieves, murderers, and storms. Then Job gets the worst case of boils imaginable. Then his wife starts nagging him. She's the poorly-aged cherry on top of his crap sundae.

Then three friends: Zophar, Bildad, and Eliphaz join Job to talk about things. They end up arguing back and forth and don't really help Job out at all. In fact, they end up frustrating him even more.

The thing that stood out the most to me as I read the book of Job this time around is that Zophar, Bildad and Eliphaz spend more time talking ABOUT God with Job then they spend time talking TO God with Job. Actually--and I may be wrong because I'm still reading through Job--I don't think Z,B, & E address God directly once. Now Job does talk to God. He voices complaints both to God and to his friends about God.

I'm guilty of this. I enjoy my friends. What I enjoy about my closest friends is that we can talk about life. We can talk about frustrations, hurts, anger, sadness, and confusion. We are real. I believe that my friends and I can be real like the some people wishe they could be. But what I don't do well is bring God into the conversation.

Instead of praying with my friend as he's hurting because he doesn't know how to love his wife well, I talk about what God would want him to do. Instead of praying with and for a friend who has lost a loved one, I say, "I'll be praying for ya!" which usually means, "If I see God around, I'll be sure to mention that."

When we get into little debates over theology or what God wants from us in this area or that area of life, we talk like he's not even there. But if God is the God of the Bible, then that means He is omnipresent--he's everywhere. He's here with me now as I write this. He's here with you as you read this. He is there with you when you stopped reading after the second paragraph too!

I think it saddens God when we forget He is there. When we act like He's invisible (which He is, but He isn't. We won't get into that here.).

It's like when I was a teenager and we'd be at Thanksgiving or Christmas or Fourth of July; just some big event that had our relatives together. When I was a teen, I had terrible acne. I had braces. I was gangly. I had a funny half-pubescent voice. I had glasses. I was a horrible mess. I had no self-confidence. In short, I was a ball of fun. Anyway, the topic of when I was going to get out of my awkward, ugly phase was a topic that I did hear on a couple of occasions. It wasn't meant to be in a hurtful way or meant to degrade me, but it was something that I'm sure parents and loved ones get concerned about. Let's face it, your naughty bits are the key to your family's legacy and your parents probably prayed every day of your lives that you'd find a passable door to, you know...but I digress.

The point I'm attempting to make is this: I don't want to be talked about when I'm near you. I want to be talked to. Don't talk about what you think I like. Ask me. Don't talk about what you think I'm feeling. Ask me. If you want to know what I want, ask me. Talk to me. Speak to me. Don't pretend I'm not here. Don't forget that I'm just a phone call away.

Don't just talk about God. Talk to Him.

How much more effective would Z,B, & E have been if instead of telling Job what they thought God thought, they had sat with Job and just loved him? What if instead of spouting facts (and some of what Z,B, & E had some truth in it) they had said to Job:

"You know Job, we don't know why this is all happening to you. We don't know what it feels like to lose your children. We don't know what it feels like to lose your wealth. We don't know what pain you are going through physically and emotionally and spiritually. We don't have the answers. But, if you'll let us, we'd like to sit with you. We'd like to cry with you. We'd like to pray with you. And we will sit and cry and pray with you as long as you want. We can't make any of this better, Job, but we will stand by your side in front of God and see what He asks us to do next. We have no answers. We can only be with you to ask the One who does."

Sometimes, the worst thing you can do for a friend is discuss theology or steps to recovery. Not always. Sometimes a friend does need to use their head and use some logic. But even then, prayer should be a key part of the process. Maybe even the central part.

I've been lucky to have few crises in the lives of my friends. But I believe that they will happen and probably happen many times. That's just life. So I hope that when that crisis happens, that I will always be willing to move aside and let God into the circle, to address Him first, and to stand by my hurting friend's side as we wait for His response.