the drought

I haven't checked my blog in awhile. Last time I think I tried to write anything was March 28. I love looking back on the things I wrote just so I can scrunch my eyeballs and think, "Where the hell did that come from?"

Lately I've been wrestling with the idea of time; it's limited nature, it's generally inconvenient speed--the things I want to be over quickly drone on and the things I want to last forever escape in a blink.

I'm struggling a lot with the idea of time because I'm not very good at managing it. I mean, look at a typical week and lets see what I would love to include in that time:

• Time with God
• Time with family
• Time with friends (especially my guy friends who typically are the ones to keep the balloon that is my sanity from drifting away.)
• Time to relax.
  
• Time to read.
• Time to play.
• Time for ministry.
• Time to be creative.
• Time to write.
• Time to earn a paycheck. (minimum 40 hours)
• Time in a small group. (Haven't legitimately been to one of those in more than a year. I can't even remember what I used to do in it.)
• Time to talk.
• Time for coffee.
  
• Time for prayer. (Often shoved far down my list.)
• Time to try something new.
• Meeting new people.
  
• etc.
• etc.
• etc...

There are only 168 hours in a typical week. An atypical could include more, but I've yet to see one of those. Of 168 hours, 40 are working, another 5 are commuting, 49 may be for sleeping, 2 hours in the bathroom,...dah de dah de dah....

It's interesting that sleep and work take up so much of my time considering my love/hate relationship with them.

Work. I love to feel like I've accomplished something and I enjoy paychecks. My beef with work is that I've watched almost everybody around me work and work and work and retire and die and live for absolutely nothing.

Sleep. Sleep is a double-edged sword. It rejuvenates my body and sometimes my mind. I feel better after I sleep. Sleep is also a great escape from chaos. And if there is anything I should not be hiding under the covers from, it's chaos.

I'll be 26 in about a month in a half. Time flies quickly. Days scream past you and you barely hear them til the sonic boom of wasted time ruffles your jacket. I'd love to say that tomorrow will be different. I would love to say that, starting tomorrow--nay, tonight!--I am going to stop wasting this life given to me with deep blessings from my God.

I would love to say that year 26 is the year I learn to take risks. That year 26 is the year when Ben stops being the Ben he wants to be, but dares to become nothing in the hands of Something.

But I won't. My favorite show is on TV in 10 minutes and I don't want to miss it. Besides, I can always start living next week.