Why I May Always Be Lost (7 Journeys General)

I was having a conversation with an old friend online last week. One of those old friends that you used to talk to all the time, but then for whatever reason you stopped. We were talking about how our lives were. She was telling me about her new school she's attending and about how her family was doing and all that. Then she returned the question back to me, to which I replied "I'm still just trying to find out who I am."

I've been trying to find out who I am for 25 years. And to be honest, I don't think I'm any closer to finding out who I really am now than I was when I was still an immobile lump of meat on my parents' laps, wearing diapers and scrunching my face for a living.

I'm in a job I hate. If you've ever been in a job you hate, you probably know how soul-crushing that can feel. The thing is that before the current job I hated, I was in another job I didn't like so much. Before the job I didn't like so much, I was in a job that wasn't that fulfilling. Let's just say I haven't made much progress in finding the job of my dreams yet.

Relationally I'm as stuck as I've ever been. I can't tell what my role is in most of my relationships or how to even properly love the people I'm around. So, in general, I default to the being the community jackass--a job that I've always performed well throughout my life.

Romantically? There's a giant question mark. I'm either an inadvertent monk or a purpose-driven jerk. Hard to tell sometimes.

But anyway, as I was telling myself how I was still "trying to find myself," it hit me how absurd and counter-productive that phrase is.

"Find myself." Well that's easy. Extend my arm in front of me, point my finger back at my face and then retract my arm until I poke something fleshy or shirty. Boom. There. I found myself.

And what do I find when I find myself? A very confused boy who longed to be a man and to have adventure, but was so concerned with finding some magical "it" that he missed the entire adventure. I believe the French call this le sh*thead.

If you try to find yourself, you will fail. If you try to find God, then you will find yourself. A pot searching for what a pot should do has no idea what it's purpose is. A pot looking for the potter that made it however...

It's an easy lesson that's almost always immediately and easily forgotten, but there's truth in that--stop looking for yourself. Look for God and you will either be so impressed with God that you won't care to find yourself anymore OR by finding God, you will finally figure out what you were created to do.

That's it. There's no other way to find yourself. At least none that I think works. I'm got to stop trying to define myself by relationships or jobs or hobbies or skills. As the teacher in Ecclesiastes says, all is meaningless.

Finding yourself is pointless if you don't find God first. Adam and Eve thought they found themselves. They thought they really saw themselves and they were ashamed. Then they were banished.

The only eyes really worth looking through, are God's.