If I gave God my iPod, what would he give me? (J1: Earner to Heir)

Today I had one of those moments. Have you ever had one of those moments? 

You know, one of those moments where you realize how small you really are. Not just compared to God or planets or lakes. But small compared to trees and wind and sound. One of those moments where you feel like an ant under the magnifying glass--just getting hotter and hotter and unable to escape fast enough.

For those of you who don't know, I work for Citi in their Sears Inbound Collections business. Basically, I take calls all day from people who for whatever reason have fallen delinquent on their Sears credit cards. Then I help that person find the best solution that will "Woo, Wow, and Win" the client. Or at least that's what my bosses tell me I do. 

Most calls are pretty routine, but today I had a rough one. This kind woman, about 75 calls in. She tells me how she knows she's past due on her account and how she's planning to make a payment soon so it can all get taken care of, but she's just been distracted recently. 

Why has she been distracted? Because her husband is in the hospital, probably dying. So this woman who I'm supposed to be collecting money from is telling me about how she's spent almost 18 hours a day at the hospital with her husband since December 26 while he's lying on a bed trying to fight multiple ailments. 

So I sit and listen to this woman talk about her husband and as she's talking, she keeps apologizing to me. She's apologizing because she's fallen behind on her payments and because she's always been honest and always been accountable. This woman who is watching her husband, her best friend, and her lover die in a hospital is apologizing to me for a $40 balance. 

That was it. Forty dollars. Nothing more. And as I'm listening to this woman, I can feel this bartering sense in her voice and maybe even deeper in her soul. This voice that says, "maybe  if I just get my act together...maybe if I just pay my debts, God won't take my husband from me." 

It's moments like that where I feel very, very small. Small because I want to help, but can't. I wish I could do something--anything for that woman. Part of me wishes I knew how to barter with God for some amazing healing powers (My hardcore charismatic brothers and sisters need not reply to this). I wish I could say the secret codeword that convinces God to "do me a square."

Does bartering smother a chance for true relationships with God?

Not asking. There's a difference between bartering and asking of God. I believe it's OK to ask God for things as long as you know that God's will may not be to grant you that wish. God loves participation. Participation is key to a relationship. And anybody who has had a close, true friend or spouse knows that asking another person for something is a sign of closeness. 

Bartering is dangerous, I feel, because bartering turns God into a formula. Bartering says: If I perform Act (A) and Act (B) and say (C), Then God will give me (D). Bartering is never about giving of yourself, it's about getting for yourself. 

Bartering isn't a sign of friendship, it's a sign of symbiosis. And like I said in my last post (quoting the famous author God.): God is not an employer, He is a father. 

With God as my boss, I'm looking for ways not to get screwed. With God as my father, I'm comfortable enough around Him to ask. The flip side--and often hard part to come to grips with--is that God as my Father knows what's best for me. And what's best for isn't always going to be what I want. 

If that woman on the phone barters with God for her husbands life, will she hold it against Him if He denies her requests? 

If I devo every morning for a year, then God brings a woman into my life for the soul purpose of breaking my heart (and thus breaking my ego) am I still willing to trust and to seek closeness with Him? Or does the lack of "reward" make me weary of going back to Him?

The more that I realize that God is big, real, and dead serious about His will--the less I try to barter. The more I see that I can't con God into giving me rewards for being a nice guy--the more I respect God's choices. And the less I focus on winning prizes (wealth, health, and heaven) the more I can enjoy the true benefits of being God's heir (relationship, adventure, fullness of life).

I'm guilty of trying to barter with God. I do it all the time. "God, if give me some extra money this month, I'll be charitable with it. Promise." "God, I'll trade you 60 hours of devo this month for a new car or some facial hair." "God, I'll stop lusting after woman if you'll just make me happy."

Bartering disrespects God and it cheats us. It cheats us from living dangerously with God at the wheel. It cheats us from having to rely on Him the way He intended. And ultimately bartering will weaken and dull transformed lives.